


Any Other Way

by GalaxyEnby



Category: Good Omens (TV), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: A Good Omens AU with Remile, M/M, Nonbinary angels, Nonbinary demons, nonbinary remy, what more is there to say about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 17:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19468783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalaxyEnby/pseuds/GalaxyEnby
Summary: Emile and Remy are perfect for Aziraphale and Crowley, so I did it.





	Any Other Way

“We are _fucked_!” 

“You can’t just give up!” Emile yelled, looking fiercer than one might expect from a tiny angel. But then again, that tiny angel was wielding a flaming sword and had blazing eyes rivaling the flames that burned in his hand. “You have to come up with something Remy, or I’ll-” Emile’s eyes darted around before he spoke again. “Or I’ll never talk to you again.” 

That was just another reminder to Remy of how this angel had them wrapped around his finger. With a deep breath, they shot to their feet and raised their arms, yelling. Yes, they would really stop time for their angel. 

Thomas came with them, of course, seeing as how he _was_ the antichrist, and the world’s fate kind of rested on his shoulders. And if this world was destroyed, Emile would be sad, and if Emile was sad then Remy was sad, and that was no fun. 

No, they would never admit they cared about Earth, definitely not. They were doing this for Emile, only Emile. 

“Alright, gurl, you stopped the Apocalypse, but now the leader of hell himself is coming for us, you, who really knows, and you need to stop him so he doesn’t destroy the world, got it?” 

“Well, I guess that’s one way to put it.” Emile walked forward and gently placed his hands on Thomas’s shoulders. “You’re so much different from what we expected.” He glanced at Remy. “We spent eleven year with the wrong child, trying to influence him and keep the balance. We hoped he would be neutral. But you, you haven’t had either side try to sway you. You’re not more angelic, or more demonic. You’re human.” 

“And that, gurl, is your biggest weapon against Satan.” 

“Well that was helpful,” Thomas snarked before sighing. “Sorry, I just- I don’t know how I’m going to defeat him. I’m just a kid.” 

“Reality will listen to you right now. You’re the antichrist, so like, just go for it, bitch, you’ll likely lose either way so like, might as well go out with a bang.” Remy clicked their tongue and shot a finger gun when they said this, and out of the corner of their eye, they saw Emile smile and shake his head. 

Together, the angel and the demon held hands with the antichrist and started time again, ready for whatever would come next. 

oO-Oo 

_“When alle is fayed and all is done, ye must choofe your faces wisely, for soon enouff ye will be playing with fyre.”_

“Well like, what are we even supposed to get from that?” 

“It says ‘when alle is fayed and all is done’, so I’m assuming that’s referring to the Apocalypse-that-wasn't.” 

“I guess. But what does it even mean choose our faces wisely? Like, I _like_ my face, thank you very much.” 

Emile giggled and Remy’s heart melted. He patted their cheek, saying, “It’s a nice face.” (Remy will deny that they turned into a blushing and stammering mess). 

“Now. Choose our faces wisely, for soon enough we will be playing with fire. Fire. Hell has fire. Uh, hellfire?” 

“Hellfire is dangerous for you, gurl.” 

“Yes, Remy, I am aware of that.” He paused and inhaled sharply. “Wait- it’s dangerous for me. Not for you. Holy water is dangerous to you, not me. Our superiors will be upset at us for stopping the war.” 

Remy’s eyes widened and they sat up. “No ma’am. _No_ ma’am. We are _not_ doing that.” 

“Rem, we have to.” 

“It’s too dangerous, angel. If they find out-” 

“That’s a risk we’re going to have to take. Look, either we’re guaranteed to die, or we get a chance at living. Which would you rather have?” 

“The option where you don’t get hurt!” 

Emile’s face softened. “You’re worried Rem, I know, but we have to do this. If you ever want to come back to Earth, to your plants, we have to do this.” He pecked Remy’s forehead softly. 

“But what if it doesn’t work. Then what do we do, angel?” They whispered. 

“Then it’s over. But I would rather take the chance at life.” 

Emile extended his hand, waiting for Remy to place theirs in it. 

Remy took a deep breath and plunged headfirst into the biggest risk they had taken in all their time on Earth. 

oO-Oo 

“How’s the bookshop, gurl?” 

“Everything as it should be. The Bentley?” 

“Not a scratch.” 

“Heard from your side yet?” 

“No. You?” 

“Not yet.” 

Paying for ice cream, holding them, ready to sit down, and then Emile was gone. Remy whipped their head around, and there he was, being dragged away by angels. 

“Hey, wait! Someone, anyone, help him! Don’t just watch, help him!” 

A sharp pain and Remy was on the ground. Demons staring down, smiling cruelly. “Sorry about that, but you’re needed in hell.” 

Remy raised their head and muttered, “But... ohana,” stealing a final glance at Emile before collapsing. 

oO-Oo 

When Emile woke up, he was bound to a chair. The scene was so cliché he almost laughed, until he remembered where he was, that is. 

A fire blazed before him, and he could feel it was hellfire without even looking. Gabriel and Sandalphon smiled with faux happiness from the other side. 

“Well, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this.” 

“You knew you were going to be punished for your actions, and you still disobeyed direct orders from Heaven. I wasn’t expecting that. But then again, you really are becoming a disobedient human,” He spat human with such contempt that Emile had to resist the urge to flinch, “with a habit of indulging in gluttony. You really are a failure at being an angel.” 

Remy, disguised as Emile, marveled at how much had changed since they had been an angel. _How_ , they wondered, _did Emile put up with this kind of treatment and stay so kind and sweet?_

With a small start, Remy realized Gabriel was still talking. They slipped back into their role, making sure they were acting like Emile. 

“Now. I think you’ll know what the punishment for traitors is. If you don’t,” he scoffed, “well, even an angel as stupid as you should be able to guess.” 

“Never thought you would cooperate with hell, just for me. I’m flattered, really.” 

A look of disgust crossed the two angel’s faces. “None of this is for you. I’m just getting rid of one of the worst angels to ever exist,” Gabriel sneered. 

The ropes holding Emile down were undone and he stood up, rubbing his wrists. He offered a small smile to Gabriel, then adjusted his glasses nervously. This was the moment of truth. 

“It was nice working with you all these years.” 

“Just shut up and,” a tight smile accompanied his words, “die already.” 

Emile took a deep breath and tried to look calm as he stepped into the fire. 

oO-Oo 

Remy woke up much earlier than Emile. That meant they got to have the pleasure of experiencing all that hell had to offer. Two demons dragged them through the corridors, taking no time to ensure their comfort. 

They were unceremoniously thrown into a small room with no light and only one exit. “What the _actual fuck_ am I doing here?” They yelled. 

A demon opened a small window in the door. “You’re in here until we have the court assembled. So shut up and wait.” The demon’s eyes seemed to glow. “Finally, you’re going to be out of our way forever.” 

The window was shut and Remy was left in darkness. 

Their eyes tried to adjust to the lack of light, but perhaps Emile wasn’t used to Remy’s body yet, because it didn’t work, even though he knew Remy could see in the dark. He sat, starting to shiver in fear. _Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe it’s not going to work and we’ll both be discorporated. What if I was mistaken?_

Emile’s thoughts ran wild. He thought about Remy, about their time together. They were hereditary enemies, but they had somehow become unlikely friends.

If he lost that now, if they never saw each other again… no, he couldn’t think that way, this _would_ work, they _would_ see each other again.

They had to.

Remy closed their eyes and waited, screams of the damned echoing throughout the room, the smell of burning and rotting flesh filling the darkness.

After what seemed like an eternity, the door opened and Remy was dragged out to what was supposed to be their doom. 

oO-Oo

Emile stepped into the roaring fire, praying to G- S- _anyone_ that this absurd plan of theirs would work.

And, miracle of miracles, it didn’t burn him immediately to a crisp. He stood still for a few seconds, not daring to believe that it was working. 

When it still didn’t, he opened his eyes and let them flash dangerously. He opened his mouth and fire shot out toward the two angels in front of him. He didn’t want to kill them, just scare them. If he really wanted them dead, they wouldn’t be there anymore.

No, he just wanted them shaken up. Show them that Emile wasn’t someone they wanted to mess with.

He stepped out of the fire, Gabriel holding out a hand. Emile laughed, as if that would stop him.

“You’re going to leave me alone from now on, or I’ll do much worse than scare you a bit.” He took another step and grinned innocently, adding in that little giggle that convinced everyone Emile could do no wrong. It was scarily effective on everyone, these angels were no different. “Next time I’ll make sure you never come back. Got it?”

While Gabriel and Sandalphon nodded hastily, Emile made his way to the globe, appearing in Soho, London, a second later.

Remy headed to the park, to their bench, hoping Emile would be waiting for them there.

oO-Oo

Emile stood before a court of demons, a crowd behind him, waiting for his death. _Really_ , he thought, _how does Remy put up with such crass behavior?_

And really, a bathtub was how the demons planned to dispose of them? They couldn’t choose something a little more dignified? Of course, melting was never a dignified situation, but a bathtub?

Remy resisted the urge to shake their head in disappointment. 

“Remington. You betrayed hell, you sided with an angel, you’re a traitor.”

“Like, did you really have to repeat what I already knew, babes.” It wasn’t a question, not at all.

Beelzebub frowned at Remy’s flippant attitude. “You must be punished.”

Remy sighed and rolled their eyes, their sunglasses long gone. “Tell me something I like, _don’t_ know, bitch, this is getting _totes_ boring.”

With a small gesture, Archangel Michael was stalking through the dimly lit halls, the light flickering to life as they passed. They held a pitcher, and the demons escorting them stayed far away from it. They were having an angel deliver the holy water, that was strange.

But then, this whole situation was strange. An angel and a demon conspiring against their respective sides, stopping the war between Heaven and hell. Of course they would have an angel deliver the water, they wanted to make sure Remy was out of the picture, permanently. 

The Archangel poured the holy water into the bathtub, no doubt grimacing at how grimy it was. When they were done, they turned away and started walking down the hall. “I’ll be back to collect the water soon, be done quickly.”

Beelzebub nodded again, this time to Hastur, who grabbed a small, low-ranking demon. The demon tried to escape, half-heartedly, until Hastur started carrying it in the direction of the holy water.

“Wait- what are you doing? Don’t, please- don’t!”

Remy watched on with no small amount of horror as Hastur dumped the demon into the water, ignoring its screams of pain. He turned to Remy with a smile of yellowed teeth.

“We had to make sure it was the real thing.”

Beelzebub stared down from his throne, growing visibly impatient. “Just get in the water, Remington.”

“Can I make like, one request?” At Beelzebub’s nod, they started pulling their jacket off. “New jacket, don’t want to ruin it.” They winked at the court, earning glares of hatred. Ignoring them, they pulled off their shoes and pants, deciding the shirt and underclothes were fine to leave on. 

Nervously, they stepped next to the tub, hesitating for just a second, before putting their hands on the edge of the tub and hopping in. Water splashed out and the surrounding demons flinched away. Beelzebub waited, but nothing was happening.

Remy tried to seem as though they totally expected this, like it was the only thing that could have happened, played it cool. “Like, have any of you people ever heard of a rubber duck? Is that a thing in any of the circles in hell? No? That’s lame. You should like, totes invest in those, popularity would boom.” They flung their hands in the air when they said boom, enjoying the way the demons tried to get even further from them. 

Giving Beelzebub an uninterested glance was enough to see the fury in his eyes. “How- but- you’re-”

Remy kept flicking water at demons. The clicking of shoes echoed down the hallway and Remy watched the mouth of the hall with interest. The Archangel Michael stopped short when Remy was sitting there, not melted, just normal.

While they gaped, Remy started getting out of the bathtub. “Miracle me a towel, would you, babes?” Stunned, Michael snapped their fingers and a towel appeared in Remy’s hands. They started drying off and pulling their clothes back on. “Thanks, gurl,” they said, adding a wink, just to confuse Michael more.

As soon as they were ready, they spoke to the demons. “Now, none of you are going to bother me or Emile, since it’s pretty obvious we’re like, way more powerful than all you bitches. Got it?”

When no one responded, Remy sauntered off, throwing yet another wink over their shoulder on their way out of hell.

oO-Oo

Remy sat on the park bench, waiting for Emile. They tapped the seat nervously, adjusting their glasses constantly, messing with the small bracelet on their wrist. Bracelet? Emile had a bracelet?

They pulled their- well, _Emile’s_ \- sleeve up. Sure enough there was a small silver bracelet. Something Remy had gifted him centuries ago. 

They twisted it around, feeling strangely sentimental. Emile had kept the stupid little thing for all these years, and Remy was somehow too blind to notice it. If Emile was dead, Remy would never forgive themselves.

Remy pulled their legs up, curling into a small ball. They buried their head and tried not to cry, hoping, praying that Emile was alive.

He had to be.

oO-Oo

Emile wandered the streets of London, searching for somewhere he recognized. He had gotten out of hell just fine, there had been every sign except for flashing ones pointing to the exit. The problem was it had opened somewhere Emile was unfamiliar with.

So he wandered around for some time, really, he didn’t keep track. He sighed in frustration, all he wanted was to make sure Remy was fine. 

After even more time spent wandering, the good news was he finally found a street sign that he knew. The bad news was that it was at least an hour’s walk from the park where Remy should be.

But… he was an angel, even if he was currently in a demon’s body. Demon’s still had wings, it was fine. A small miracle and no one would be able to see him. 

And so he slipped into a small space between two buildings and snapped, hoping it worked, then spread his wings- well, Remy’s wings- and took off. Really, it had been far too long since he last flew, he needed to do it more often.

As he soared above London, he hoped that Remy had made it out alive. There was a chance it didn’t work, fire was much more destructive than water, after all.

The park came into view, and, anticipation building, Emile dove down, landing behind their bench with a loud thud.

Remy’s head shot up and they whipped around, relief filling their gaze. Not even bothering to go around the bench, they vaulted over and sprinted to Emile, smiling without any restraints. Emile grabbed them and spun them around, planting his lips on their cheek. 

He had to set them down when they felt themselves starting to switch back but he kept hugging them, buried his head in their shoulder.

“It worked,” he whispered reverently, as though speaking louder would prove this all to be an illusion. 

“It worked, angel. We did it.”

oO-Oo

Remy went back to their apartment, after all, their plants needed watering. Emile went back to the bookshop, after all, he needed to check on his books. 

But they couldn’t bear to be apart for long, not after everything. Remy showed up at Emile’s carrying a plant.

“Like, I’m totes just here to give you a plant, angel. Nothing more.”

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

“Yeah, like, that’s all. I’ll be leaving now.”

“Do you want to stay? We can have some drinks.”

“Omg, gurl, like, if you insist I guess I’ll stay.”

Emile giggled. “C’mon, you dork.”

A faint smile appeared on Remy’s face as they sat down at the couch while Emile got the wine. 

They didn’t drink much, that night. Remy, exhausted, had passed out almost immediately, head resting on Emile’s lap.

“Night, Rem,” Emile whispered, gently stroking their hair. He grabbed a book and settled in for a long night of being Remy’s pillow.

oO-Oo

“Patton invited us to Tadfield to visit.”

“Cool.”

“You’re going, right?”

“Do I have to, like, can’t I just take a nap instead?”

“Please, Rem, I need you to drive me.”

Remy sat up from where they were sprawled on Emile’s couch and lowered their sunglasses for dramatic effect. “Literally, that’s the only reason you keep me around, isn’t it bitch.”

“Of course not, silly!” Emile bopped Remy on the nose and laughed. “You’re fun to be around, to talk to, I like you Remy. Of course I would spend time with you. You’re family. I could never leave you behind.”

“Ohana means family…”

“And family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. Exactly what I was quoting, you know me too well.”

Remy chuckled and shook their head. “Fine, I’ll go.”

“Yay!”

“Whatever, gurl. When do we leave?”

“Uhh,” Emile looked sheepish. “Now?”

Remy raised their eyebrows. “Now? How long have you known about this, angel?”

“A couple weeks? Look, I just didn’t want to give you time to change your mind.”

“Of course. You already told them we were going, then?”

Emile nodded.

“Then like, get in bitch, we’re going napping.”

oO-Oo

“Emile! Remy! I’m so glad you made it safely!”

“Salutations.”

“Hey Patton, Logan.” Emile smiled, embracing Patton and offering Logan a smile that he hesitantly returned.

“Like, ‘sup bitches.”

“Language, kiddo.”

“Whatever.”

“Remy,” Emile warned.

“Fine, sorry Pat.”

“You can come in, if you’d like. It’s hot outside.”

“Not as hot as hell,” Emile and Remy said in unison, then looked at each other in surprise. 

Patton blinked and smiled wider, though it seemed more forced. “Yeah, why don’t you come in and tell us what’s happened since we last saw you.”

And so Emile told them what had happened after the Apocalypse-that-wasn’t.

“It seems so unlikely that they didn’t notice you had switched, doesn’t it? Even I, a human, am able to see auras surrounding you, and one would assume they would switch along with your bodies. Supernatural beings should also be able to see auras, should they not?”

Emile and Remy exchanged glances. “I… That does seem like something that should have happened, doesn’t it?”

“Why don’t we stop talking about such complicated stuff and go see Thomas and his friends?” Patton offered, trying to relieve the tension in the room.

“Sure!”

“Why we’re going to see the antichrist, like, I’ll never know.”

“We’re going to see _Thomas_ because we want to see how he’s doing.”

“Sure, whatever.”

Emile just smiled and laughed, pulling them along. And Remy let him.

oO-Oo

Thomas was doing fine. So were Roman, Remus, and Virgil.

So was Snake. Really, Remy still couldn’t believe the Antichrist had named a snake that. His real name was Damien, and he had expressed his hatred for the name Snake to Remy when he found out they could understand him.

And since Remy was an actual bitch, they purposely got in Damien’s face, delighting in calling him Snake. 

“Hey, Snake. Hope you’re doing good, like, totes missed you gurl.” 

Snake just hissed loudly.

Remy glanced over at Emile, who was talking to the children. Well, if he could get a word in he would be talking. Roman and Remus, the twins, were both trying to get his attention, Virgil was shrinking behind them, and Thomas was talking.

Emile tried to pay attention to all of them, but even an angel couldn’t accomplish such a task. He looked at Remy with a look of someone who just realized what they had gotten themselves into. 

And really, it was adorable. Remy sidled up beside him, laughing at the children who were now failing to get any of Emile’s attention.

“Thomas is a normal kid now, you can feel it, right angel?” They whispered.

“Yeah. Completely normal.”

Whatever anyone told you, Remy was really just a giant sap. They pressed their lips to Emile’s forehead. “We’re about as normal as we can be, too, you know. We’re not on Heaven’s side, not hell’s side, we’re on our side. The human side.”

“I’m glad you didn’t go to Alpha Centauri.”

“Yeah. Me too, angel.”

And they really wouldn’t have it any other way.


End file.
